The Five Stages of Grief

What is Grief?

Grief is a multifaceted response to any significant loss.  It is usually experienced through our emotions but it does impact our whole being including our body, our cognitive functioning and our behaviors. Grief can effect our interpersonal connections.  While grieving, we may find ourselves questioning our beliefs about life, spirit and God.  All of these experiences are a natural response to significant loss. 

Grieving is a process through which one adjusts to loss. It can be in response to the death of a loved one, ending of a relationship, loss of a job or other significant life situation.   

Time does not heal grief.  Our attentiveness to our grieving process is how we heal. 

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was a pioneer in understanding the grieving process  She identified that most people pass through five stages of grief. Though the grieving stages are universal, we all have unique contexts of life through which we respond to loss.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve; nor an appropriate time-line associated with grieving.  Grief and depression are not the same thing.  Depression is one of the stages of grief, but it is a fluid stage.  If one remains at this or any stage of grief in ways that halt the grieving process, it is important to reach out for qualified support.

When an individual dies, that spirit is helped through the transition from physical life into afterlife. All people who die are nurtured through the transition into spirit by the spirit world. It is equally important to allow ourselves who are grieving the death of a loved one or loss of any major life situation to receive multifaceted support throughout our transition of acceptance.

What are the 5 Stages of Grief?

Today's blog focuses on the grieving process for those living in the physical world, adjusting to loss.  The next blog will explore how these five stages are experienced in afterlife. Even those who pass into afterlife, transition through these stages as they too come to terms with no longer being physically alive.

Denial - Denial is a defense used to minimize the emotional impact of loss. Sometimes it is a cognitive effect and other times denial saturates our emotions and we shut down or become numb.  Some of us adopt a "stiff upper lip" and go right into action preparing the funeral or taking care of others. If we are processing the ending of a marriage or loving relationship, we may indulge in affairs or push ourselves out into the dating pool quickly to avoid the feelings of loss.  We may jump into a job search or keep ourselves busy to avoid the pain of loss. When death comes suddenly, denial is one way to absorb the information.  When death or loss are expected, denial surfaces because we believe we should not feel the pain of loss or cannot process the emotions associated with the loss. 

Denial is usually a temporary state as the emotions will eventually surface and the realization of loss will become conscious. Denial can last for moments, days or years. We can facilitate this stage of loss through our willingness to be present to whatever we are feeling in any given moment. It is important to know that we may feel a deep sense of loss even when death or loss was expected.

Some phrases that indicate an individual is in denial are: "Its for the best"; "I am OK"; "She's in a better place"; "As long as I keep busy..."; "That company/job/lover/friend was no good/a loser/bad news"; "There's other fish in the sea"; "Time will heal this"; "I'd better start dating"; "I shouldn't feel badly because I knew this was coming".  When I learned of my father's sudden death, I shouted "No, no, no, no, no..." and waved my hands at the individual who broke the news to me for several moments before I finally let the news into my consciousness and began to cry. 

Anger - Anger is a natural human emotion and a healthy function of the grieving process. Many of us feel uncomfortable with anger but it is a healthy response to an imbalance or perceived loss of power.  When fully processed, anger can move us from feelings of helplessness and abandonment into functional action. Anger will inevitably surface and we are meant to be with this part of our grieving journey attentively, without judging ourselves. 

We may feel completely powerless, abandoned by our loved ones during our grief.  We may find ourselves blaming others including God and the deceased. Often feelings of resentment, envy or jealousy appear during this stage. As we learn to breathe deeply through these emotions of anger, it will inform us so that we can tend to this stage of grief without trying to fix it, minimize it or become stuck within its hold. After my father died I wondered "why would God take someone so kind, generous and loving so early?" 

Common thoughts during this stage of grief are: "Why me??"; "Why him/her?"; "How can this happen?"; "Who is to blame?"; "Why didn't God answer our prayers? or Protect him/her?"

Bargaining - In this stage of grief, the bereaved person may begin questioning what could have been done differently.  This is an equally important stage of our grieving as we are coming to terms with life changing from what we have known it to be. During this stage the individual may feel overly responsible for the loss. This is a significant stage through which an individual reflects upon his/her role in what has happened. If the feelings of responsibility toward the deceased or life change are not resolved, the person may remain angry and guilty which prevents the full transition into acceptance.  Sometimes it is in this stage of grief that an individual clings to the spirit of the deceased, hoping he/she will remain close by in afterlife.  I recall asking God to bring back my dad.  I remember waking up and hoping I had dreamed the whole thing. These are all facets of the bargaining stage of grief. 
 
Each stage of grief allows us to transition from experiencing life in one way to experiencing it in a whole new way.  At any point in the process an individual can get stuck or can allow the emotional responses to be fully integrated.

Common thoughts at this stage of grief are: "If I could just feel him/her; see him/her"; "If I could just hold onto him/her I won't have to let go and feel what life is like without that individual"; "Please bring him/her back"; "Please show up in my dreams"; "please don't let this be real".

Depression - Depression is a stage of grief.  Depression and grief are not the same but they can mimic one another for a period of time.  During this stage of grieving, there is deep void and often a sense of hopelessness.  This is the stage when the grieving individual may withdraw from others.  This is a functional choice during the grieving process, as it can be a deeply contemplative stage. This stage of grief should not be minimized nor should support people try to cheer up the grieving or "get them out" or "keep them busy".  Feeling the void is a facet of coming to terms with the loss of what was once there. When we attend to this aspect of our emotional response without judgment, it is a fluid experience.  We may touch feelings of despair, not wish to speak with anyone, but if we breathe into these feelings, we will experience our ability to be present with the depths of despair while simultaneously witnessing, and healing our grief.  Feeling these emotions moves us through our healing journey. 

Support can be helpful, especially when despair and lack of self-care are sustained.  It is not helpful to encourage someone to "get past it" or "take their mind off of it".  Distraction does not promote healing. We do not need to fear deep emotions.  We will not die from intense feelings or be overrun by them. We are capable of extremely profound anguish and healing. 

Grief support creates a safe haven for individuals to move non-judgmentally through the phases of grief into acceptance and integration. My father died 2 months after the birth of my daughter, his first grandchild. There was a period of time when life seemed empty without him.  I used to speak with him on the phone every day.  We both loved to laugh and used to spontaneously call one another to share the latest great joke we had heard.  I felt the depth of that irreplaceable void for some time.  Though I had the beauty of my new child in my life, that did not replace the loss of my father.  I had to feel life without his physical presence and slowly, gently come to terms with a new life without him in it. 

Common thoughts associated with depression stage of grief are "Life has lost its meaning"; "why should I go on?"; "I wish I could join him/her?"; "I don't care about anyone/anything else".

Acceptance - During this stage of grief, the bereaved moves into an awareness that death is an inevitable aspect of life and that life is going to continue to thrive in a whole new way.  We may expand into states of gratitude for the gifts experienced through that relationship or experience. We still miss the individual and simultaneously adjust to our new reality.   I remember when life began to feel fresh again and I felt a profound gratitude for having known my father and being able to experience the bliss of that reality in present time.  My heart opened up and I knew that his gifts lived on in me and others and I experienced a new found peace.

Common thoughts during acceptance are "I am OK even though I miss him/her"; "I feel the void and still I am breathing and loving life"; "I know my loved one exists in spirit; I am here in the physical world; I can sense him or her at times but trust he/she is where he/she needs to be and I am now where I need to be"; "Life is rich and I am grateful for that experience".  

The five stages of grief are fluid meaning we do not move from one stage to the next in a linear manner.  We may feel completely at peace in one moment and find ourselves angry in the next.  A wide array of emotions and symptoms are common throughout a grieving process and our attentiveness to these is how we heal. By giving ourselves and others the energy and space to authentically process loss we will discover our capacities for healing through the grieving process. Our culture likes to fix suffering and stop pain.  But grieving is a natural process of accepting loss.  We cannot rush through it or make pain disappear.  It will surface until we attend to it.

Support people can help the grieving by not trying to push anyone to feel "better" but simply to ensure that the individual's basic needs are being met through the process and being equally present to whatever emotions show up.

Grieving is not an illness to be treated.

Grief is a healthy process of coming to terms with loss.  The loss of a loved one or significant life experience can trigger deep emotional responses that may be tied to unresolved losses in earlier life.  When these arise, they are surfacing to be integrated into experience and being. It is important to be compassionate with whatever arises during grief and to give ourselves the support we may not have gotten when we were young.  It can help to educate ourselves about grief and actively engage in support groups, individual grief-centered therapy, yoga, exercise, meditation, conscious breath work and other healing tools while grieving.

Remember that time does not heal loss.  We heal loss through our attentive willingness to be with what is present and evolve through the experience.

Some Support Resources for Grieving:

Grief Support Groups: When we are grieving and others are not, we can feel isolated in our grief.  Being with those who have experienced loss can nurture us through our process. When we give ourselves active space and energy toward our healing, we will evolve through our grief.  A support group is a place where you can be truthful about your emotional responses to loss and receive compassionate attentiveness while you share and offer compassionate attentiveness to others too.  After my father died I was unclear if I had entered into postpartum depression or a facet of grief.  I found a support group at my family's synagogue and found it most helpful.  All of us were dealing with different kinds of losses but the space and compassionate energy toward healing ourselves and one another helped me to feel through my depression into acceptance, rather than isolating and marinating in my suffering.


Individual Therapy: There are all kinds of psychotherapy so discernment is important. It may be helpful to seek individual counseling during your grieving process depending on your life experiences and the circumstances associated with loss.  Your compassionate willingness to receive support is an act of courage and strength on behalf of your evolution.  Referrals are a great resource for finding your trained, qualified support person.  A psychic medium reading is not the same as authentic therapeutic counseling. Most psychic mediums are not trained in grief counseling. Even though I am a trained psychotherapist, if I offer a reading to a new client, I will usually refer him or her to another practitioner who is trained as a grief counselor when that kind of support is indicated. Make certain you turn to a professional trained in the grief counseling and that the professional is also resonant with your spiritual values.  


Engage in Presence Activities:  Take yoga, Qi Gong (pronounced "chi" gong), get a massage, take an Epsom Salt bath or enroll in a breath workshop.  Learn to be in your body, feeling whatever is present without judging, running or distracting yourself.  You will discover you innate power to be with you and the wide arrange of emotions available to you.  You will learn to be fearless when any emotions arise.  You will discover the deep well of peace existing within your core through this journey. After my father passed away, I discovered sitting and walking meditations as means for being present.

Participate in Meaningful Activities:  Take a walk outdoors, go see a funny movie, play with a pet; adopt or get a pet; paint or draw; bake or cook something you appreciate; volunteer for a charity that you care about; help a child or senior in need; cook a meal for someone; plant a tree.  Do not force any of these choices.  Do so only when your spirit moves you to do these and do not do them as a distraction. Engage in these activities to support your grieving process, not to minimize it. 

Being outdoors will serve your healing because nature is filled with the life force that sustains us.  The energy field surrounding your body will unfold and expand when you spend at least 15 minutes outside and in direct sunlight. Touch a tree for 5 - 10 minutes and let nature support your healing.  Envision roots growing from your feet into the earth and branches flowing from the top of your head into the divine, just like the tree. Your body, mind and spirit will be nourished through this simple process. 

Seeing a funny movie can be a very important act by allowing you time to integrate and engage in laughter.  Laughter promotes hormonal releases that nourish the entire physiology and promote healing.  The same is true when we engage in meaningful activities.  What do you love to do?  What nurtures you?  Don't do it to distract yourself from your grief but as a means of being actively in the world, while grieving.

Breathe deeply. Practice breathing deeply into your abdomen and elongating your exhale.  Learn to be present in your body.  Feel your feet, feel your hands, feel your cells.  Experience your breath.  Feel your heartbeat.  Witness your emotions and feel them moving like fluid water pouring through a stream non-resistantly cleansing and nourishing you.

Write Your Story: Write the story of your life and how that person fit into your life and into the lives of others. What have you learned as a result of that relationship?  What did you give to that individual and he/she to you?  Write the story in words within a beautiful notebook symbolizing that soul.  Create a collage or write a poem, song or draw a symbol of your experience and that person. Share the story with a compassionate party.  Discover how you will bring meaning from your experiences into your present life now.

Indulge in Self Care: This is the time to take positive actions for self care. Eat healthy foods, rest and sleep; take walks outdoors, pamper yourself.  If your religion asks you to abstain from any of these activities for a period of time, honor your spiritual truth but do not deprive yourself of care.  Do whatever you can to nourish yourself well while you are grieving. Let others show up and be there for you during this time.  If you need alone time, rest and honor this.  When you need to socialize, schedule time with supportive friends.  Listen carefully to what your authentic needs are during this time and tend to them honorably.

Visit a Qualified Clear Medium: This is not yet viewed as culturally acceptable in the grieving process but I have experienced the value of this experience on both sides of the process. In my case, I am a trained clinical psychologist (master's level) and a shamanic medium. My readings are not psychotherapy but they are offered with healing intent. A quality mediumship reading will promote insight, meaning, closure and healing for all concerned.

Mediums have different skills and training.  As a medium, I know that spirits will only come to speak with my clients to be part of the healing journey.  There is no casual conversation during a mediumship session, nor does a spirit cause any kind of distress to the living. When a message is received from spirit to the living, the spirit will shift through his or her grieving and integration process and the transformation is typically immediately observable.

No medium will make you dependent upon him or her for answers or ongoing communications with the deceased.  Usually one or two readings in one year are sufficient to serve your healing journey. There are a few exceptions but these are exceptions.  After my father died I was not yet serving as a professional medium, so I went to see a young psychic medium named Rebecca Rosen. I had never been to a medium before. Intuitively I knew she was an authentic channel.  That reading proved to significantly nurture my healing journey.

Remember Life is Eternal:  Birth and death are stages of life. You are a divine soul serving the expansion of consciousness through the human experience.  You chose to come into a physical body to experience the bliss of spirit through physical senses and you choose to leave the body when you are complete with that aspect of your soul's journey. All of life serves your soulful expansion.

Grief may not be easy.  It may not be comfortable.  Loss is an aspect of life that all of us are innately capable of experiencing and effectively growing through.  Grieving is natural.  Intense emotions are natural.  Learning to be present with grief, tending to ourselves compassionately and receiving sound support during the grieving process will nurture our innate ability to heal.