Recovering Your Soul Self

Have you ever taken care of others before honoring your own basic needs? In our culture, this behavioral trait is often seen as a positive attribute that is indoctrinated at a very young age and rewarded throughout life. Many of us were raised to believe that we need to earn our value in this world by pleasing others at our own expense. We learn early to say “yes” when we really mean “no”; to give when what we need most is to receive; and to strive for a perfectionism that can never be realized. We come to believe that self-care is selfish and that disapproval from significant others is intolerable. This pattern becomes so automatic, we often find ourselves acquiescing to the needs of other to avoid confrontation at any cost.


But the price for this behavior is the connection to our authentic self. This kind of caring is not serving the highest good for anyone and exemplifies what’s been coined as codependency – a term developed out of Alcoholics Anonymous. Though codependency is not a clinical diagnosis, it describes a pattern of behaviors, thinking and feelings that promote unhealthy self-sacrifice and caregiving.


Codependency manifests when our sense of worth is based on meeting the needs of others. This behavioral pattern is learned in early childhood and modeled or encouraged throughout development. It moves the individual to seek control over people and events; strive for perfectionism and avoid uncomfortable emotions. Codependents will care for others until they begin manifesting physical and emotional ailments. They will tell you that they are “just fine” even when they are hurting, exhausted and feeling used up. Codependent individuals tend to blame themselves for abuse, loss and troubles within a relationship.

Sound familiar? If you grew up in a home where a parent was alcoholic, addictive, narcissistic, physically or mentally ill, abusive or unavailable you are likely to have the pattern of codependency. When its left undressed, codependency will progress into other addictive patterns such as alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, workaholism, sexual and relationship addictions. Individuals struggling with codependency patterns tend to attract abusive, aggressive or narcissistic individuals into their lives. They often remain in unhealthy, stressful jobs and relationships or repeat these relationship scenarios until they confront the internalized patterns and heal.


I have been in many circles where individuals claim to be codependent in a casual manner while everyone chuckles - though codependency is no laughing matter. When we lose touch with our authentic nature we compromise our soul’s purpose on a daily basis. The price is one’s emotional, mental, physical and spiritual well-being.


What does the pattern of codependency look like? Codependency includes patterns of denial, compliance, avoidance, low self -esteem and control.


• Patterns of denial include the inability to feel or identify emotions; a lack of empathy for those who do not sacrifice like they do; a minimization of anger and a repeated draw toward unavailable individuals.


• Compliance patterns manifest as a compromise of personal values and integrity to avoid rejection or reactions from others. Compliance patterns include extreme and unwarranted loyalties; acquiescing to other’s needs, wants and opinions; and exchanging sex when love is what’s truly desired.


• Individuals with codependency patterns have internalized the admonitions from early life making the inner critic highly judgmental of self and others. Because the codependent’s sense of worth depends on others’ perceptions of him or her, it is nearly impossible for someone with this pattern to admit they are wrong or easily make decisions. One with this pattern rarely advocates for the self; but will boldly do so for others. Individuals with codependency patterns do not set healthy priorities and often forgo personal success and gratification while privately resenting being overlooked.


• Control is a central theme for one with codependency because they were lost within the chaos of their childhood homes. They believe others need their help, should take their advice and become resentful when directions are not well received. They give a lot of praise, gifts and affection in exchange for approval. They will manipulate others to meet their own needs but deny this is happening when confronted. They are rigid and when hurt; they will cut people off rather than self-reflect, negotiate or compromise.


• Codependency patterns include avoiding intimacy, judging others harshly and allowing personal addictions to people, places, and things to interfere with their ability to form meaningful relationships. They will do not believe that a power greater than themselves will truly enhance their lives. Emotional expression is often viewed as weakness.


Do you have the patterns of codependency? Take a few moments to ask yourself the following questions:


• Have you ever had a hard time at having fun or letting go?


• Do you feel guilty or uncomfortable when others give to you?


• Would you rather be giving than receiving?


• Do you know what you like, want, need and honor it easily?


• When you take care of yourself, do you feel selfish or guilty?


• Do you often put other’s needs before your own?


• Do you feel a strong need to be in control, in charge or follow rules to feel safe?


• Do you personalize criticism or other people’s choices?


• Do you ever seek approval or validation from others in a way that compromises your personal well-being, integrity or even your safety?


• When you want to say “no” do you make an excuses or even lie to avoid disappointing someone else?


• Do you struggle with sense of confidence or find it difficult to make decisions?


• When you make a decision that serves your highest good and others question it, are you able to remain true to your choice?


• Can you tolerate disappointing others when being true to yourself?


• Do you blame yourself when issues arise within a relationship?


• Do you avoid confrontation and work hard to “keep the peace” at any cost?


• Do you isolate or avoid intimacy?


• Do you feel mistrusting of authority figures?


• Are you much more able to express anger about injustices that are done to others than stand up for those done to you?


• Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems and take care of their feelings?


• Do you work in a helping profession?


• Do you feel empty or bored when you are alone or do not have someone to care for?


• Is it challenging for you to be still, sit in the silence of meditation and discover your inner world?


• Do you lose interest in your life, friendships and dependents when you fall in love?


• Do you stay in relationships that don’t work for you or tolerate abuse, deceit, addictions within your relationship?


• Do you remain tied to unhealthy relationships due to financial dependency?


• Do you ever say “yes” when you really mean “no”?


• Have you ever lied in order to avoid confrontation or having to explain your boundaries?


If you said yes to several of the questions above you may be living out the pattern of codependency. Liberation from these patterns requires being honest about them in the first place. Having the pattern of codependency is not your fault. It is learned in childhood when primary caregivers model this behavior or expect family members to support their narcissism and other dysfunctional patterns. When a family system does not value the exquisite wholeness of each individual, this dysfunctional pattern will breed addictions including but not limited to codependency.


You can heal from codependency.

If you are experiencing codependency patterns, healing will be a courageous act of letting go of your false self and discovering the authentic essence that is you. Codependency keeps you feeling small, trapped and isolated – recovery allows you to experience direct support from spirit and a community of individuals committed to healing and evolving consciously.



Steps for healing from codependency:


• Choose to heal. Recognize that you have adapted patterns of seeing yourself and relating that do not serve your highest good and limit your potential for intimacy and thriving. It is the healthiest individual in the family who seeks therapy or help. Admit where you are struggling and give yourself the help you so deeply deserve.


• Make your healing your first priority. Codependency is an insidious pattern of suffering by accommodating other's needs over your own.  It is a pattern that is highly revered within our culture. The pattern means you put your own needs last and deny how people pleasing is hurting you and others. To heal you will need to confront this habit with fearless willingness to see and understand yourself and then make a new choice, one day at a time. 


• Join a Recovery Group. You cannot heal codependency in isolation. Hiding your struggle and doing it on your own are symptoms of codependency. Share your courageous healing journey with others who are truly committed to changing their behaviors and diligently working a recovery program to do so. Go to a therapist specializing in reclaiming the healthy self; attend 12-Step Programs dealing with these patterns; attend healthy-self recovery and empowerment groups. You will discover that you are not alone and gain tools to heal and grow in safe, nurturing environments. Some local options include:


o Eleanor Payson’s seminars and groups www.eleanorpayson.com on discovering the healthy self.


o Chris Sarris workshops on the Power of Belief http://www.puravidacoach.com/.

 o My workshops on Intuitive Empowerment http://www.lorilipten.com/ help you connect with your soul’s truth in favor of your mind’s habitual patterns and connect with the divine guidance consistently present through presence.

o Shamanic Apprenticeship with Colleen Deatsman http://www.colleendeatsman.com/ Shamanism is the ultimate freedom from codependency because you will learn to discover your true essence, wisdom and spiritual guidance.  

o Codependents Anonymous, Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and Alanon are 12-Step based recovery programs specifically dealing with this pattern.


• Develop one day at a time approach to your healing. You did not become codependent in one day and will not heal overnight. Through years of exposure to dysfunctional patterns during your most vulnerable developmental states, you developed your strategies for valuing and caring for yourself and managing relationships. You heal only in the present and this is done with support, one healthy choice at a time.


• Practice compassion. Compassion fuels healing; judgment locks your wounds in place. Compassion allows the healing energy from the heart chakra to infuse whatever you look upon. Judgment locks the energy of your perception in place. Healing is a process, like learning to walk. When you open your heart and allow compassion to flow, you give yourself the space necessary to stretch and grow. Just like when you learned to walk – you held on at first, took it slow and fell down often. You were always going to walk but imagine if you had judged your every move, fall and day-to-day progress.  You probably would never walk! Healing is no different.  When you become willing to actively engage in the process of self discovery one day at a time with compassionate wisdom from a supportive community and from within - you heal and grow.


• Cultivate spiritual connections. Healing from codependency restores your connection to your innate exquisiteness and the sacredness of life. As you shift from identifying with your imprinted beliefs, you will uncover your soul’s purpose and potential. This is connection is cultivated through daily practices such as: meditation; guided visualization; connecting with nature; prayer; engaging in creative expressions; playing, dancing and moving to music; yoga, qi gong or tai chi.


• Let go and let the divine take over. You do not have to manage, control or fix the lives of other adults. You do not have the power to make others happy or miserable. You do not have to advise or force a situation or help anyone “get it”. People are exactly where they need to be in this life; and when we get out of their way, their soul path can unfold. Take responsibility for your life and leave the rest to the divine.


• Emotions are healthy. Anger, grief and deep hurts may rise into your awareness when you stop resisting them through codependency patterns. These energies are not negative and will not harm you when you allow them to move through you safely while you compassionately witness their flow. Emotions have the power to inform you of the story you have survived and when integrated, you will feel the restoration of your true essence flourishing. Codependents often avoid sharing the deepest emotions; so it is important to seek support that does not attempt to placate, fix, minimize or judge your emotional struggle in anyway rather supports, witnesses and compassionately allows you to experience emotions without judgment or collusion.


• Healing will feel selfish. In the beginning, taking time to heal and honoring your soul’s truth over your habitual patterns will feel uncomfortable and even selfish. You will have to learn to feel the tension of disappointing others while you recover. People who are used to you giving at your own expense and doing what they want so they can feel supported, will fight you. In my personal recovery, this has proven to be my greatest challenge. Saying yes and no when others dislike it has cost me relationships and for a codependent, there is almost nothing worse. But in recovery, it is a sign of releasing relationships based on dysfunctional patterns. I have surrendered so deeply to honoring spirit, that doing anything else is like dying a slow death.


• Extreme self-care is the foundation of your recovery. Get enough sleep and rest; exercise to nourish you health; eat a balanced diet; tend to your spiritual life; honor your emotions; learn to listen to your soul’s wisdom and witness your mind’s chatter without giving it life; breathe deeply; spend time outdoors daily; practice giving when its authentic and receiving with openness; get a massage; laugh out loud; share your story; take it one day at a time.


You are a divine soul. You were not born to please or improve other’s lives. When you learn to listen and honor your authentic soul-self, your life will expand into a meaningful journey. When you feel disconnected from your purpose and meaning, it is because you are struggling with the beliefs that define you into something less than your true self. Recovering your authentic being is a life-long journey that promotes your spiritual, emotional, physical and intellectual health.


Healing from codependency allows you to accept others and not change them to meet your needs. You will cultivate an intimacy with yourself that allows you to develop meaningful connections that will include deep self-respect and respect for others. You will make decisions that flow from your core and not compromise your integrity. You will be in relationship where each individual accepts full responsibility for his/her personal joy, thriving and well-being; gives freely and truly; and receives freely and truly. Conversations will openly validate your and other's experience of reality without needing to undermine or change your perception and vice verse. Confrontations will manifest with abiding respect for each personal perspective. You will tap into the infinite well of wisdom, joy, love and health consistently present to you through conscious presence and discover that you are worthy of all the grace of life!