Do you have the disease to please? Most of us were not raised with the healthiest of boundaries. A boundary is the energetic limit that nurtures your mind, body and spirit and keeps others from imposing behaviors that exploit or undermine your power.
When you give until it hurts you set the tone for how others will treat you while reinforcing your lowered sense of worth. Having weak boundaries can mean you find it hard to stand up for yourself but feel ever so willing to do so for others. You may agree to do things that you just do not want to do. Perhaps you tolerate rude or sarcastic comments directed at you. Or maybe you allow others to get their way and push through your boundaries because you dislike conflict. And if you have the people pleasing pattern, you probably take other’s comments and even life itself, personally. Setting healthy boundaries allows you to develop a healthier sense of self; deepen your relationships with others and live in balance.
Establishing healthy boundaries begins with self-awareness. Your intuition is constantly communicating what is and is not true for you. When your solar plexus or gut tightens, your intuition is signaling to you that something is off. Any energy loss within your being reveals boundaries are not being honored and that its time to set a healthy limit. When you feel energized, inspired, calm in your stomach, throat and heart – your intuition is communicating that you are in alignment with your true self and that your healthy needs are being honored.
You have the right to personal space, respect, personal power and to honor what is true for you even when it disappoints others. You do not have to give into others requests to make them or you feel more comfortable. And you are not responsible for making anyone feel good at your own expense.
Discover your needs and limits.
• Identify what you will not tolerate. Make a list and take care to honor each one. Some examples might include, “I honor myself when I do not tolerate…”
o Comments about my body size, weight
o Criticism, sarcasm or jokes at my expense
o Rageful outbursts toward me
o Invasion of my privacy
o Racist, religious, sexist, off-color jokes and remarks
o Others telling me what I feel or should do
o Minimization of my emotions, intellect, skills or intuition
o Lying or deceptions of any kind
o Denial of addictions, abuse or irresponsible actions
o Blame for how an adult feels
o Violence; Rageful outbursts directed at me or others in my presence
• Identify what you most need to feel safe, respected and honored.
o My needs and wants are respected, even when my partner or others cannot meet them
o Anger or disappointments are discussed calmly, with each person accepting responsibility for his/her emotional experience, perceptions and needs
o Compassion, kindness, empathy and understanding for one another’s perceptions are present when stating emotional concerns or insights; needs and wants
o I tell the truth and am told the truth
o I accept full responsibility for honoring my needs and wants
• Know your rights and honor them. Make a list of what you have the right to give to yourself and ask for from others. Some examples of what you have the right to ask for and to give to yourself:
o No talking during a massage
o Quiet personal time in your own home
o Help with responsibilities for your house
o More information and/or time before making a decision
o To say no without explanation
o To do what you need even when it disappoints someone else
o To have no alcohol, smoking or drugs in your home
o To not give in to threats or the demands of others
o To allow others to be responsible for how they feel, and responsibly give themselves what they want and need.
o To eat only the foods and beverages that are appropriate for your health
• Honor your time and energy. Make a list of how you respect your time and energy and stick to it. Examples may include:
o Not answering your phone unless you want to do so
o Turning off your ringer
o Return phone calls and email messages at your own pace
o Change your mind
o Cancel appointments when you need to tend to your wellness
o Create a sanctuary for silence or personal space within your home
o Sleep the amount of hours that truly serves your heath
o Take all the time you need to grieve and heal from loss or trauma
o Not attend family functions where boundaries are not respected
o Not join into gossip and other conversations that drain your energy
o Refrain from listening to or watching programs that reinforce suffering and drain energy.
• Know who you are. People's actions reflect their inner life though they often blame others for how they feel and behave. When you find yourself personalizing someone’s comments ask yourself the following:
o Is any of this true about me? Be willing to check this out honestly. If there is truth in the comment, ask yourself what you need to do in response. You do have the power to see yourself without judgments and grow. If the comments are not true, let them go.
o How much of this is about the other person? Be willing to check this honestly too. You can compassionately observe that the comments are projections, reflecting the individual’s unconscious suffering. You do not have to take responsibility for their suffering but you can act from compassion and healthy boundaries. Sometimes the best support you can offer is to disengage from unhealthy and disrespectful requests and actions.
o Do I need to take action to honor my personal power here? Sometimes you need to say stop or walk away if an individual isn’t being reasonable or respectful. Sometimes you need to refrain from all interaction when an individual is threatening or not taking any responsibility for his/her part in the problem. But most of the time, you can establish healthy boundaries through compassionate dialog and willingness to know yourself and other without judgment. Imago dialog is one of the most powerful tools for promoting healthy boundaries, nurturing growth and intimacy between caring adults.
Strategies for Setting Boundaries
1. Establish support. Before having a boundary setting conversation, speak to a supportive friend and practice what you will say. After the conversation speak with a friend to process how it went and tend to any residual feelings.
2. Do not establish boundaries while angry. Process your strong emotions with individuals who will not personalize or judge your emotions. Wait until you are calm and feeling neutral to discuss and establish clear boundaries.
3. Ask for you what you need without attaching to the outcome. Ask for what you need and want in a clear, calm and compassionate manner. Do not expect others to do what you ask. Boundaries are not demands. You are responsible for meeting your boundary needs as an adult so ask and understand that your partner or the other person may choose not to meet your requests. This gives you the freedom to do what you need to honor your limits respectfully by taking action or letting go of the request.
4. Take full responsibility for what you need and do not make demands of others. Use clear, simple and direct language. Examples include:
• If you continue to yell at me, I will leave or hang up.
• When you need to discuss business or set appointments, call me during business hours and expect return phone calls during business hours only.
• I value my job but I am unable to give extra time at work in order to honor my family time and remain in healthy balance.
• I hear that you are angry with me; can you tell me more about that in a calm and clear manner?
• This is my fee for the services I provide. I do not lower my rate, just as you do not lower your salary.
• I ask that you stop commenting on my body size and/or weight.
• Thank you for asking me to participate; I need some time before I can respond about my ability to join in.
• I thought this would be a good fit for me at the onset; but I now find it no longer feels right to me. I will find a replacement accordingly.
• I will not be lending you money anymore. You now need to take responsibility for your financial life; so please do not ask for money from me again.
• It is hard to say no to you because I do not want to disappoint you; and the answer is still no.
5. Do not defend, debate, over-explain or rationalize your boundaries. Be direct, gracious and firm as you speak. When the other party is resisting your boundary, restate your request.
6. Enforce your boundaries. You must back up your boundary needs with consistent action. Each time you acquiesce to the demands of those who do not respect your boundaries, you give up your power. Practice building up your boundaries one healthy choice at a time.
7. Do not let guilt be your guide. Guilt is often the foundation for people pleaser's decisions. Guilt is internalized anger that was not safe to be expressed in early life. You will likely feel guilty about making strong decisions that reflect healthy self–worth and contradict expectations placed upon you throughout your development. The guilt will rise up, so greet it with your compassion and remember it is an expected sensation telling you that you’re breaking free from dysfunctional patterns.
8. Surround yourself with healthy support. Choose to associate with individuals who are able to calmly and easily discuss differences; establish healthy boundaries and do not personalize when you need to make a decision that differs from what they need or want.
Practice setting healthy limits; honor your needs and wants and listen to your intuition consistently. You have the right and the power to create nurturing dynamics that revere your personal boundaries and uplift, inspire and empower you!
When you give until it hurts you set the tone for how others will treat you while reinforcing your lowered sense of worth. Having weak boundaries can mean you find it hard to stand up for yourself but feel ever so willing to do so for others. You may agree to do things that you just do not want to do. Perhaps you tolerate rude or sarcastic comments directed at you. Or maybe you allow others to get their way and push through your boundaries because you dislike conflict. And if you have the people pleasing pattern, you probably take other’s comments and even life itself, personally. Setting healthy boundaries allows you to develop a healthier sense of self; deepen your relationships with others and live in balance.
Establishing healthy boundaries begins with self-awareness. Your intuition is constantly communicating what is and is not true for you. When your solar plexus or gut tightens, your intuition is signaling to you that something is off. Any energy loss within your being reveals boundaries are not being honored and that its time to set a healthy limit. When you feel energized, inspired, calm in your stomach, throat and heart – your intuition is communicating that you are in alignment with your true self and that your healthy needs are being honored.
You have the right to personal space, respect, personal power and to honor what is true for you even when it disappoints others. You do not have to give into others requests to make them or you feel more comfortable. And you are not responsible for making anyone feel good at your own expense.
Discover your needs and limits.
• Identify what you will not tolerate. Make a list and take care to honor each one. Some examples might include, “I honor myself when I do not tolerate…”
o Comments about my body size, weight
o Criticism, sarcasm or jokes at my expense
o Rageful outbursts toward me
o Invasion of my privacy
o Racist, religious, sexist, off-color jokes and remarks
o Others telling me what I feel or should do
o Minimization of my emotions, intellect, skills or intuition
o Lying or deceptions of any kind
o Denial of addictions, abuse or irresponsible actions
o Blame for how an adult feels
o Violence; Rageful outbursts directed at me or others in my presence
• Identify what you most need to feel safe, respected and honored.
o My needs and wants are respected, even when my partner or others cannot meet them
o Anger or disappointments are discussed calmly, with each person accepting responsibility for his/her emotional experience, perceptions and needs
o Compassion, kindness, empathy and understanding for one another’s perceptions are present when stating emotional concerns or insights; needs and wants
o I tell the truth and am told the truth
o I accept full responsibility for honoring my needs and wants
• Know your rights and honor them. Make a list of what you have the right to give to yourself and ask for from others. Some examples of what you have the right to ask for and to give to yourself:
o No talking during a massage
o Quiet personal time in your own home
o Help with responsibilities for your house
o More information and/or time before making a decision
o To say no without explanation
o To do what you need even when it disappoints someone else
o To have no alcohol, smoking or drugs in your home
o To not give in to threats or the demands of others
o To allow others to be responsible for how they feel, and responsibly give themselves what they want and need.
o To eat only the foods and beverages that are appropriate for your health
• Honor your time and energy. Make a list of how you respect your time and energy and stick to it. Examples may include:
o Not answering your phone unless you want to do so
o Turning off your ringer
o Return phone calls and email messages at your own pace
o Change your mind
o Cancel appointments when you need to tend to your wellness
o Create a sanctuary for silence or personal space within your home
o Sleep the amount of hours that truly serves your heath
o Take all the time you need to grieve and heal from loss or trauma
o Not attend family functions where boundaries are not respected
o Not join into gossip and other conversations that drain your energy
o Refrain from listening to or watching programs that reinforce suffering and drain energy.
• Know who you are. People's actions reflect their inner life though they often blame others for how they feel and behave. When you find yourself personalizing someone’s comments ask yourself the following:
o Is any of this true about me? Be willing to check this out honestly. If there is truth in the comment, ask yourself what you need to do in response. You do have the power to see yourself without judgments and grow. If the comments are not true, let them go.
o How much of this is about the other person? Be willing to check this honestly too. You can compassionately observe that the comments are projections, reflecting the individual’s unconscious suffering. You do not have to take responsibility for their suffering but you can act from compassion and healthy boundaries. Sometimes the best support you can offer is to disengage from unhealthy and disrespectful requests and actions.
o Do I need to take action to honor my personal power here? Sometimes you need to say stop or walk away if an individual isn’t being reasonable or respectful. Sometimes you need to refrain from all interaction when an individual is threatening or not taking any responsibility for his/her part in the problem. But most of the time, you can establish healthy boundaries through compassionate dialog and willingness to know yourself and other without judgment. Imago dialog is one of the most powerful tools for promoting healthy boundaries, nurturing growth and intimacy between caring adults.
Prepare yourself: Setting boundaries will feel foreign if they were not honored when you were growing up and are still being violated now. When you are asking for boundaries to be respected, do so with a compassionate or neutral tone. With practice, honoring your boundaries will feel natural. Every time you say “yes” and “no” to what is true for you allows your authentic energy to expand.
Strategies for Setting Boundaries
1. Establish support. Before having a boundary setting conversation, speak to a supportive friend and practice what you will say. After the conversation speak with a friend to process how it went and tend to any residual feelings.
2. Do not establish boundaries while angry. Process your strong emotions with individuals who will not personalize or judge your emotions. Wait until you are calm and feeling neutral to discuss and establish clear boundaries.
3. Ask for you what you need without attaching to the outcome. Ask for what you need and want in a clear, calm and compassionate manner. Do not expect others to do what you ask. Boundaries are not demands. You are responsible for meeting your boundary needs as an adult so ask and understand that your partner or the other person may choose not to meet your requests. This gives you the freedom to do what you need to honor your limits respectfully by taking action or letting go of the request.
4. Take full responsibility for what you need and do not make demands of others. Use clear, simple and direct language. Examples include:
• If you continue to yell at me, I will leave or hang up.
• When you need to discuss business or set appointments, call me during business hours and expect return phone calls during business hours only.
• I value my job but I am unable to give extra time at work in order to honor my family time and remain in healthy balance.
• I hear that you are angry with me; can you tell me more about that in a calm and clear manner?
• This is my fee for the services I provide. I do not lower my rate, just as you do not lower your salary.
• I ask that you stop commenting on my body size and/or weight.
• Thank you for asking me to participate; I need some time before I can respond about my ability to join in.
• I thought this would be a good fit for me at the onset; but I now find it no longer feels right to me. I will find a replacement accordingly.
• I will not be lending you money anymore. You now need to take responsibility for your financial life; so please do not ask for money from me again.
• It is hard to say no to you because I do not want to disappoint you; and the answer is still no.
5. Do not defend, debate, over-explain or rationalize your boundaries. Be direct, gracious and firm as you speak. When the other party is resisting your boundary, restate your request.
• Individuals who do not have healthy boundaries will not respect yours easily. They may try to get your to compromise your limits, cut you off from conversation and relationship or demand that you change while assuming no responsibility for their actions. They will usually perceive their needs or boundaries as more important than your own; and point out the error of your actions or limits. Threats of rejection or intimidation regarding your requests are meant to control you and bring you back into dysfunctional dynamic.
6. Enforce your boundaries. You must back up your boundary needs with consistent action. Each time you acquiesce to the demands of those who do not respect your boundaries, you give up your power. Practice building up your boundaries one healthy choice at a time.
7. Do not let guilt be your guide. Guilt is often the foundation for people pleaser's decisions. Guilt is internalized anger that was not safe to be expressed in early life. You will likely feel guilty about making strong decisions that reflect healthy self–worth and contradict expectations placed upon you throughout your development. The guilt will rise up, so greet it with your compassion and remember it is an expected sensation telling you that you’re breaking free from dysfunctional patterns.
8. Surround yourself with healthy support. Choose to associate with individuals who are able to calmly and easily discuss differences; establish healthy boundaries and do not personalize when you need to make a decision that differs from what they need or want.
Practice setting healthy limits; honor your needs and wants and listen to your intuition consistently. You have the right and the power to create nurturing dynamics that revere your personal boundaries and uplift, inspire and empower you!
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